I Surrender to Whatever You're Doing

 

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I feel like I am fluctuating between rock bottom and top of the mountain. One day I'll be a whirlwind of chaos and the next on a spiritual high.

I am beginning to trust my husband again. He is not giving me any reason to have doubts thus far.

My problem is me. 

I have not been focusing on my own recovery. I have essentially become like Martha, not Mary. I am encompassed about my many things and not seeking "the good part." Sure, I have a good moment where I read something uplifting, but I haven't been focusing on my relationship with Christ I haven't been listening after my prayers and allowing him to be my guide.  I am good at giving that advice to others, but have I been taking it? No!

Right now, I am burnt out physically and feeling low. 

I haven't been to my support group in a month in half. It's not by choice, it's because the only group available for wives of porn addicts is on a Thursday night and that's when my older kids have their church activities. I have nobody to watch my younger kids. 

I've thought about trying the online meeting option, but the time never works out, because its when my kids are home. My house is small, the walls are thin, and I have no place to escape to.

Of course, I turn to the only support I have right now, which is the Hope and Healing LDS Forum. It's the best place I have found to share, it's just not enough for me right now. I need more connection, the real tangible face to face, one on one kind. I have an amazing therapist and I haven't been able to see her, because my kids have been sick for the last 3 weeks with the two different strains of the flu. It's been a nightmare of catching puke, taking ear temps, until their ears are sore and washing endless loads of laundry. I have been wearing my mom uniform of sweats everyday and some day not even bothering to shower, because I'll just get puke on me.

The other day I escaped for a little break to get on Face book. I needed to connect with somebody, to get validation. Except the opposite happened. The first post on then news feed was a picture of  a old friends' newborn baby. I had no idea she was even pregnant. Where have I been?  She is around my age and I couldn't help, but feel jealousy.

I took one look at her beautiful little bundle of joy, and started sobbing uncontrollably. I left a nice comment of "Congratulations" and quickly exited Face book. I escaped to the shower, thinking if I get out of my sweats and get cleaned up I'd feel better. Except it was no good! I became overwhelmed with more tears as I looked at my scarred up body, a reminder of the loss of a life, I once carried inside and the removal of my fertility. I ached and longed to be like my friend to be able to carry another baby in my womb one last time before my biological clock takes it's last tick.

I felt sick, like I was going to pass out, so I crumpled up on the bathtub floor and let the the water pour upon me intermixing with the tears. I felt cheated, shriveled up inside, and old. My only solace was in prayer. I surrendered my pain to God. Then listened for an answer or feeling of peace.

What I heard back was..."go for a walk." I obeyed. I didn't question. Why would I? He had answered me before in times of need.

I stood up, turned off the shower, got myself dried off, looked in the mirror, and stared at my scarred body once again. Instead of wallowing in self-pity; I focused on the answer... "go for a walk."

I put on some clean, non puke clothes and took my dog for a walk. The air was still chilly, but refreshing. I inhaled deeply and exhaled with each step. My mind focusing on trusting God and surrendering to His will for me. Why do I fight change? Why can't I see He only wants to make me better?

The walk gave me clarity. I knew I needed to unload my plate to take time for me. Not in a selfish way, but a healthy way with God's help. I needed to let go of my way and ask God how to find healing each day.

Yes, it feels like a lot of work and it's chaotic at times.

This thought reminds of a quote from the book "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis...

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right, and stopping the leaks in the roof, and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably, and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to?

"The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of– throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

God is telling me, I need some work here and there. I have leaks (weaknesses) that need fixing. God knows I have potential to be more than just an old broken down house. He sees I can be rebuilt into something more beautiful. I've always been fine with just being ordinary and used to being broken, but God doesn't want that for me, so he's changing me.

Unfortunately, changing my ordinary house means clearing out the junk, tearing walls down, fixing busted pipes, rebuilding, and adding on. It's a painful and difficult process, but if I allow Him to do his handiwork, He will make me into something extraordinary.

I heard a song on the radio as I was driving to the grocery store today that fits perfectly with my whole experience. Yet, another tender mercy! I love the Lord!

"Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)" By Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

[Chorus]
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluated who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

[Chorus]

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out